i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
Randomize
