She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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