I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
i may or may not be watching the land before time
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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