Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
