Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
