I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize