Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
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