She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Randomize
