i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
