I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
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