i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
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