hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Randomize
