She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
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