I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
