Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize