Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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