Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
