2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
