phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
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