i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
