girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
