I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
