if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
