Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Randomize
