So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I love having hate sex.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
