I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
