I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Randomize
