Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Randomize
