My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Randomize
