I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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