yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
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