I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Randomize
