zippers are such a cool invention
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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