This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
