She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize
