In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
jump out the window naked night went bad
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
