just survived the first fart of the relationship.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Randomize
