I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
