Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Randomize