lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
