Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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