i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
