So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
