you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
