I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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