Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Your penis caused this!
Randomize
