Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
