My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
