You guys sftrill at mcdondalds?!!!!
Yes.
fuckin bring me a cheseburgeria
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
