I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Who died my cat blue again?
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