How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Is it because I queefed?
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
he fucked my hip out of place.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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