At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
