My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
