Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
