ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Drunk is not a location!
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
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