I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
