Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
No awkward lesbian experiences without me
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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