dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
