Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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