i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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