Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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