I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
