I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
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