I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
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