I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
