Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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